Sometimes people only give enough love to remain in a relationship neither happy nor-unhappy. Other people give every piece of themselves to their partner and just trust that the other person both appreciates and reciprocates that love … but that is not always the case. Loving someone with everything you have seems easy but it isn’t, it’s exhausting. Or at least it was for me.
When I was a young girl I believed in the fairytale ending. You know, once upon a time … blah blah blah. Now I know the truth, happily ever after is the exception not the rule. Some of you reading this might think I sound anti-love. I’m not, I will always hold out hope that one day I will find someone who loves me the way I love them.
I have had the butterflies in my stomach, that breathtaking passionate kind of love. My son’s father opened my heart when we were kids and again when we were adults and reconnected. I loved him with everything I had… hell to be honest a piece of me will always love him.
I think my opinion of love was shattered shortly after I turned 18. My parents had been happily married, or so I thought, for 25 years. My father betrayed every trust that my mother, sister and I had in him. All I could see was the lies he had told, the adultery he had committed and what he was doing to my “normal” family life. I couldn’t speak to him, look at him or even trust him.
To be brutally honest, I selfishly separated myself from my entire family so I could pretend nothing was wrong. It took me several years to realize I was punishing myself because I didn’t want to face it. My sister was there for my mother and I was drinking and partying to numb my feelings. It was like putting a bandaid on a volcano. I was angry, angry with him; but I took it out on everyone.
It took me several years, and several bad decisions, to realize what I was doing was not going to fix how I felt. My troubles and my hangovers were still there the next day. I made the very hard decision to go home, not just for a visit, I moved back home to face my problems head on. Long story short, that didn’t work out quite like I imagined…
I fell head over heels, blindly and stupidly in love … honestly, I just found a different bandaid. I still couldn’t trust, I gave everything without feeling whole, without feeling loved in return. He had his own baggage and together that volcano erupted.
Anger became our thing, no physical abuse ever happened, but we could drive each other right to the edge of it. We lived together and we wouldn’t talk, slept in completely separate parts of our house and then I couldn’t do it anymore. I can remember the exact day that I knew in my heart it was over. It was my birthday, one day a year in which it should be about me. I just wanted to have dinner with my family, that’s it. I won’t go into detail, his fault my fault probably a mixture, but by the time we got there the food was cold and everyone could tell I had been crying.
Like so many women have said before, I was afraid to leave. I stayed for 2 1/2 months after that. Why? Because I still wanted my fairytale. Two months after we called it quits I got very unexpected news … I was pregnant. My heart was still completely broken and so was I. How was I going to love our baby when I had so much anger?
My father, yeah the one who broke my heart first, actually told me I had options. Meaning to have an abortion. He actually sat there and basically proceeded to run my ex into the ground. Two weeks later my father, who had been dating my mother again and trying to repair their relationship (several years after their divorce) told me he was once again cheating on my mother. Yep…
During my pregnancy I felt cheated, I didn’t feel excitement and joy. I felt sadness and sorrow. I felt betrayed and stupid. I felt empty. All the stress and depression lead to a rough pregnancy. My body kept going into labor before it should – 26 weeks and then multiple more times before they let him come at 36 weeks. It was miserable, oral medication, injections, and bed rest.
Then he was here and I wanted that immediate feeling of joy and unconditional love … but it wasn’t there. Mostly I just felt exhausted. It wasn’t like everyone said it would be and all I could think was what is wrong with me. I didn’t think I had anymore to give and I was wrong.
The love I have for my son wasn’t immediate it was delayed. I had to come to terms with everything and move on. I couldn’t fix it or change it. I couldn’t forget it or even forgive it. All I could do was look at my little tiny human and know that I had to let go of my anger. When I did that I could finally feel my unconditional love for him.
Writer By Heart 